Poly and Kinky

In my ongoing quest to find another D/s relationship, I've talked to a lot of men who identify as submissive online. A lot of these men view submission as a fetish and are therefore only interested in being submissive when it will get their dick hard, which is valid, but not what I'm looking for. The problem with that is that some of them are either very good at hiding this fact or have so little self-awareness that they don't realize it themselves and think they are ready to be submissive inside and outside the bedroom. It's hot to think of giving up control of your orgasms. Being required to ask for permission to orgasm or being locked in a chastity device appeals to a lot of submissive leaning men. The thought of performing oral servitude for hours seems hot in theory as well. He thinks " surely if I go down on her she'll reward me with an orgasm too" or "it would be so hot to feel myself pushing against the binding of a chastity device" b...

In polyamourous realtionships, the partners of your partner (that you aren't romantically involved with) are referred to as metamours. Also, in polyamorous relationships feelings of jealousy or envy often cause hiccups. So it feels odd to complain about a metamour. If someone complained to me about their's, my knee jerk reaction would be that they're jealous of their partner's other relationship or feeling insecure about their own relationship with that partner. But, guys, I don't like one of my metamours! I do occasionally feel jealous of or envious of this person's relationship with my partner but the root of my dislike for them is due to their behavior toward our shared partner. There is a lot of dishonesty and untrustworthy behavior in that relationship and I detest both of those things in any relationship. But since I care about my partner, it bothers me more that this person is causing pain through a lack of honesty. I try really hard to not comment ...

I couldn't sleep last night. My bed smelled like HappyClouds or whatever the laundry detergent is called. I much prefer it when it smells like the people who have been in it. Perhaps it's the feral, primal, cavewoman in me but I love smells. Though it may disgust others I prefer my bed to smell like a combination of myself and my partners. I like the lingering scent of their cologne or shampoo or soap. I want it to smell of their skin, their sweat, and sex. But, I reluctantly wash my bedding, as is expected (by whom? I don't know) and then I'll toss and turn for a night or two until one of them comes and smells it up again for me :)

I'm a caregiver by nature and I like the people I like to be happy. In my Pre-Schatzi relationships, I tended to end up playing almost a service-top role more than a dominant one. There's nothing wrong with that but it didn't meet all my relationship needs. But I was, I don't know, oblivious (?) at the moment. When I looked for Schatzi I intentionally looked for a relationship with a caregiver (handler) role. I went into it with an expectation of doing the petting, the cuddling, the pampering. And I fucking love it! But I began to realize that I really did want that pampering for myself too. So I began to look for another with a very specific set of wants that revolved mostly around my not doing much but being waited on hand and foot :) Which isn't very practical full time but is a nice thought. I posted an ad at a few places and got one particularly interesting response. Which lead to a meeting and, eventually, to my lying naked in bed being petted to s...

I never thought of what it would be like to go through the grieving process while in a poly relationship. There had been secondary relationships that hadn’t worked out and had ended on both sides, which causes a grief of sorts, but this, the death of my primary partner for the last 20 years is much different, obviously. While sitting in the ER waiting room, lost, having no clue what to do, it was very nice to have someone who I’m completely comfortable with, come in, sweep me into a bear hug and let me cry on his shoulder. Having someone there who I trust completely allowed me to let him take the lead, speak to the staff and make decisions my brain just wasn’t up for yet. But it’s also lonely. He goes home to his primary relationship every day and I’m here alone. I like my alone time but being totally alone for such a long stretch is a bit more difficult, especially with my mind all over the place making arrangements, sorting the finances, deciding what to do with possession...

T is for Time I've had a post about time bouncing around in my head for a bit. I was going to tell you about balancing time between two relationships, school, work, sleep,  hobbies, chores, etc etc. Then everything changed. Wulf passed away. He had been in poor health for a while so it wasn't a complete shock but it was very sudden. And now I have so much time. . .  The first couple of days were kept busy with friends and family calling and texting and visiting but now it's starting to get quiet. People are still checking in, but not as often. I'm on a bereavement leave from work and it's an off week for school. Now I have quiet and time to think. Time to be sad we didn't get to do all the things we'd planned. Time to be pissed off that he had to leave before I was ready for him to go. Time to mourn the man that I always said I couldn't imagine my life without. I cried last night when I wanted to watch Netflix and saw a show we...

R is for Rules Rules can apply to both kink and polyamorous relationships. It is obvious that this post got started, queued up and published without being finished. I'm not in the headspace to finish it right now but I'm leaving it as a placeholder. I'll come back to it.

It's TMI Tuesday again! And it's an extra answer kinda day again. 1. If each of your index fingers could spew a liquid for the rest of your life, what liquid(s) would it be. Kat - That depends. Would it be constant and inconvenient ala King Midas or would it happen only when I wanted it to? If it's the latter I think water from one so I or anybody else I cared to share with, would never be thirsty. From the other, I have no idea . . .  Schatzi - Water and milk... or apple juice. It's hard to decide. Wulf - Scotch and black cherry kool-aid! 2. If you could talk to everyone in the world for 5 minutes, all at once, what would you say? Kat - It's a pretty short message, really; maybe I'd just repeat it over and over again. "Stop being dicks to each other!" Schatzi - Hi! Woof woof woof woof! Wulf - Gro the fuck up! 3. Would you rather not be able to eat for a week OR not be able to _____ for a month? Kat - This one is a little too eas...

Q is for Quad As long as we're on the subject of Polyamory lets talk about dynamics. There are as many dynamics out there as there are people but some of the basics that most everyone accepts are: Primary the primary partner, usually the longest relationship in the poly group Secondary the second partner added to the poly group Tertiary, etc the third and following partners added to the group dynamic  Open Looking for additional partners. Closed no looking for any other partners. Vee 3 people, with one person in the center, having relationships with 2 other people when those people do not have a relationship with each other. Triad 3 people in a relationship with all other members. Quad four people in a Polya group, who may or may not be involved with all the other partners in the quad. Polycule a poly group where there are several partners who have relationships with other partners in the group but not necessarily all member of the ...

P is for Polyamory So, what is polyamory anyway? I mentioned it a lot on this blog but never really explained it.  Polyamory, to me, (because you have to qualify everything these days) is the acceptance that you can be in love with more than one person at a time. It's also the acceptance that though someone may be in love with someone else, that doesn't mean they cannot love you too. Polya is not about sex. It's about forming meaningful relationships with more than one person at a time. If you want to have a series of sexual partners or one night stands in addition to your steady partner, that's called swinging. I've always felt that humans aren't' wired to have one life partner for their entire life. One of our primal needs is to continue the species. Having multiple partners would raise the chance of having more children and having more hands to raise those children and keep them safe in primitive times. I think it's something that's...

O is for Over the Top /rant If you've spent anytime online I'm sure you've met them. Those over the top King/Queen Dommly Dom Magisties or those grovel at your feet in the mud submissives.  Some people use BDSM as a way to escape reality, perhaps they feel they have no power in their own lives so they demand it in their play-acting. Some use polyamory to overcompensate also. "If all these people are willing to 'love' me that means I'm better than you." That's not how this works, that's not how any of this works! /end rant

It's TMI Tuesday again! Hello ,  we’re listening . 1. Picture the child you once were, what did that child do very well? She was a great chameleon. She could blend in anywhere with any people. She told a ton of lies to have that ability though. 2. What are you really good at now? Now, I'm really good at being the authentic me. I really don't place much weight at all on what others think. I live and let live and expect the same. You do you, I'll do me :P 3. Did you ever expect love in return and not get it? Are we gonna get really deep and say I expected more parental love than I got? Sure, they feed me (most of the time) and kept a roof over my head but day to day I think they couldn't have cared less.  We could also be super shallow and talk about all those internet "submissives" I met up with who let me down in a big way, but that wasn't love. . .  4. Who do you need to get in touch with because it has been so long? I don't...

L is for Love I love love. That's probably why I wanted to have a polyamorous relationship in the first place. I believe that love doesn't divide when you share it with others' it stretches and grows. If there is one thing our society needs right now, it's more love. Though I had relationships before him and was even married, I think Wulf is the first man I was IN love with, really. Before him, I was maybe in love with the thought of being in love but when I met him it was so much different. I can still remember the exact moment I fell in love with him. I can see every detail of the room, I remember what it smelled like, the temperature, everything. That moment is etched in my memory for all time. I wanted to spend every minute of every day with him, which was a problem since he lived 5 hours away, in another state. Long distances relationships are extremely hard but I think they make you focus on a genuine mental, emotional connection rather than just the ph...

Photo courtesy of Cammies on the Floor Welcome to Elust 107 - The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you're looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it'll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #108? Start with the rules , come back July 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates! ~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~ Baby making... I thought of GotN while fucking Man-struation ~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~ Room 401 Compost ~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~ The Shadows Fall Behind You *You really should consider adding your popular posts here too* All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “ read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!   Blogging How and If to C...

K is for Knowing Your Limits Needing to know your limits applies to both kink and multiple relationships.  Needing to know your limits in a kink situation should be pretty self-explanatory. You should go into a negotiation with a good idea of what you are willing to do, what you might do, and what you absolutely will not do. If you don't have a lot of experience with kink or don't have a lot of experience with real life kink if you have only been exploring online so far you need to sit down with a BDSM checklist  and make some decisions. First look for the things you like or are pretty sure you'll like, mark them off as doable! Then look for things that don't give you tingly feelings or that are actually revolting to you, those are your limits. There are two kinds of limits, Hard Limits are something that you absolutely have zero interest in doing, period. Examples of hard limits might be breath play or heavy bondage. Hard limits should be resp...

I is for Intentional Family Intentional families are common in both kink and poly circles. An intentional family is a group of people who have decided, intentionally, to act as a family group. An intentional family possibly prepares and eats meals together, they might go to events as a group, have a movie or game night, or just hang out together.  Intentional families, like good traditional families, are available for help and support, to give advice and share life experiences while making new family traditions together. Someone might look for an intentional family if they are in the closet with their sexuality, gender choices, relationship styles, or kinks. Often times they don't feel sustained, supported, or free to be themselves around their biological family so they seek out people who they perceive as more like them.

H is for Honesty Most of my recent ABC's posts have been kink related, this one is about something vital to both kink and poly; honesty. Honesty is to communication what multiplication is to calculus. If you can’t be honest, you can’t communicate. Honesty is the minimum, not the maximum; there is more to communication than just honesty. –Jenna Medaris I feel that honesty is of the utmost importance in any relationship but especially in a kink and/or polyamorous relationship! Both of these relationship types require a lot of trust and communication and honesty is the key to both. Honesty is not only about not actively lying to your partner(s) but also not purposefully keeping things from them. When someone is dishonest in a poly relationship it can create feelings of jealousy and mistrust. If they're sexually active with multiple partners and not using protection dishonesty could bring disease to their other relationships or experience an unwanted p...

E is for Envy Like my last post, this one will be a comparison of two terms: envy and jealousy. These two words come up a lot when you talk about polyamory, but they can also show up in discussions about kink. They're often used interchangeably but they're actually two very separate emotions. Envy is wanting something someone else has. We feel envious when someone has a nicer car than us, the latest fashion or a better job than we have. When we're envious of something we want whatever that thing is for ourselves. Envy shows up in poly when we see someone who we think has the relationship we want. That person may have a partner while we're single, that person may have a healthy relationship while we're struggling over some hurdle in our own. In kink, it shows up when someone has a skill we really wish we possessed, a fancy new toy or piece of equipment, or the "perfect" BDSM dynamic. Jealousy is the fear of losing something you have, having somet...

My blog description says I'm poly, but what does that mean? The geek in me wants to tell you it's an amalgamation of greek and latin and it's a mushed together made up word. I'll resist though and simply tell you that poly means many and amor means love. So Polyamory means many loves. Outside of that basic description, it means different things to different people. Essentially it means that I, and my partners, believe that a person can be in love with more than one person at a time. For me, that means I have a primary relationship with Wulf but that we're both "allowed" to seek out other romantic relationships. In our dynamic, my partners aren't expected to be romantically or sexually active with Wulf. The same is true of his partners and me. Friendships are encouraged, of course, there is no sneaking around or secrets in poly. My other partners, right now that's Schatzi, are "allowed" to have romantic relationships outside of the one t...

I recently saw a post on Tumblr by user sunflorally  which said "Your relationship doesn't have to be toxic to be a bad one. It can be exhausting, loveless. And someone doesn't have to be terrible to you for you to leave them. If you aren't primarily happy in your relationship, you have a valid reason to not be in it. Don't beat yourself up because your situation "could be worse" if it isn't what you want, you don't have to stay in it."  I once ended a relationship just like that and felt incredibly guilty about it for a long time. He was a sweet, sensitive guy but being in a relationship with him was literally exhausting. We started out as a D/s couple, he as the submissive, of course, I was fairly new to being dominant to a partner so I had some confidence issues going in. I guess that's one of the reasons I let things slide as long as I did. The truth is, he just wasn't submissive. He, in my opinion, is a bottom in the bedro...