Does a Dominant need to be a submissive first?

Does a dominant (top) need to be a submissive (bottom) first? That's a question that pops up in the BDSM community quite a bit. I'm not sure where that idea started but it's out there and it doesn't seem to go away.

Personally, I don't think it is necessary and since I'm one of those "this is what and who I am" people it would be silly for me to advocate for it. If a person is dominant, then they are dominant. They're not going to be happy being submissive to someone else just for the sake of "earning their stripes". I don't understand that thought process at all, but I also don't understand switches either so it might just be me.

That said, I did switch, once. I started my official journey into public BDSM land as a submissive. I've told the story before, so for simplicity's sake; I liked making people happy, I had been tying myself up for years, and, it seemed every other female was submissive, so I was obviously submis…


I couldn't sleep last night. My bed smelled like HappyClouds or whatever the laundry detergent is called. I much prefer it when it smells like the people who have been in it.
Perhaps it's the feral, primal, cavewoman in me but I love smells. Though it may disgust others I prefer my bed to smell like a combination of myself and my partners. I like the lingering scent of their cologne or shampoo or soap. I want it to smell of their skin, their sweat, and sex.
But, I reluctantly wash my bedding, as is expected (by whom? I don't know) and then I'll toss and turn for a night or two until one of them comes and smells it up again for me :)


I'm a caregiver by nature and I like the people I like to be happy. In my Pre-Schatzi relationships, I tended to end up playing almost a service-top role more than a dominant one. There's nothing wrong with that but it didn't meet all my relationship needs. But I was, I don't know, oblivious (?) at the moment.

When I looked for Schatzi I intentionally looked for a relationship with a caregiver (handler) role. I went into it with an expectation of doing the petting, the cuddling, the pampering. And I fucking love it!
But I began to realize that I really did want that pampering for myself too. So I began to look for another with a very specific set of wants that revolved mostly around my not doing much but being waited on hand and foot :) Which isn't very practical full time but is a nice thought.
I posted an ad at a few places and got one particularly interesting response. Which lead to a meeting and, eventually, to my lying naked in bed being petted to sleep.
It is…

Elust 111

Photo courtesy of A Leap of Faith Welcome to Elust 111- The only place where the smartest and hottest sex bloggers are featured under one roof every month. Whether you're looking for sex journalism, erotic writing, relationship advice or kinky discussions it'll be here at Elust. Want to be included in Elust #112? Start with the rules, come back November 1st to submit something and subscribe to the RSS feed for updates!
~ This Month’s Top Three Posts ~The Promotion
Getting Lost in a Good Book
~ Featured Post (Molly’s Picks) ~Demonised
9 Things New Sex Bloggers Need to Know
~Readers Choice from Sexbytes ~Tales

*You really should consider adding your popular posts here too* All blogs that have a submission in this edition must re-post this digest from tip-to-toe on their blogs within 7 days. Re-posting the photo is optional and the use of the “read more…” tag is allowable after this point. Thank you, and enjoy!
Erotic FictionAfter the Party : Cleaner Close #7
Denna and her co…


He's been away for several days, in that time he's barely eaten, not had a bed or regular food, and hardly slept. He is sunburned and he's cut his finger badly. He is exhausted and what does he do? He kneels at my feet and begs to give me an orgasm with nothing in return except the pleasure of giving me pleasure. What did I do to deserve this? I'm so thankful we found each other. I love my baby puppy.

Grieving while Poly

I never thought of what it would be like to go through the grieving process while in a poly relationship. There had been secondary relationships that hadn’t worked out and had ended on both sides, which causes a grief of sorts, but this, the death of my primary partner for the last 20 years is much different, obviously.
While sitting in the ER waiting room, lost, having no clue what to do, it was very nice to have someone who I’m completely comfortable with, come in, sweep me into a bear hug and let me cry on his shoulder. Having someone there who I trust completely allowed me to let him take the lead, speak to the staff and make decisions my brain just wasn’t up for yet.
But it’s also lonely. He goes home to his primary relationship every day and I’m here alone. I like my alone time but being totally alone for such a long stretch is a bit more difficult, especially with my mind all over the place making arrangements, sorting the finances, deciding what to do with possessions and all…

T is for Time

T is for Time I've had a post about time bouncing around in my head for a bit. I was going to tell you about balancing time between two relationships, school, work, sleep,  hobbies, chores, etc etc.
Then everything changed.
Wulf passed away. He had been in poor health for a while so it wasn't a complete shock but it was very sudden.
And now I have so much time. . . 
The first couple of days were kept busy with friends and family calling and texting and visiting but now it's starting to get quiet. People are still checking in, but not as often. I'm on a bereavement leave from work and it's an off week for school. Now I have quiet and time to think. Time to be sad we didn't get to do all the things we'd planned. Time to be pissed off that he had to leave before I was ready for him to go. Time to mourn the man that I always said I couldn't imagine my life without.
I cried last night when I wanted to watch Netflix and saw a show we'd be watching togeth…