Poly and Kinky

T is for Time I've had a post about time bouncing around in my head for a bit. I was going to tell you about balancing time between two relationships, school, work, sleep,  hobbies, chores, etc etc. Then everything changed. Wulf passed away. He had been in poor health for a while so it wasn't a complete shock but it was very sudden. And now I have so much time. . .  The first couple of days were kept busy with friends and family calling and texting and visiting but now it's starting to get quiet. People are still checking in, but not as often. I'm on a bereavement leave from work and it's an off week for school. Now I have quiet and time to think. Time to be sad we didn't get to do all the things we'd planned. Time to be pissed off that he had to leave before I was ready for him to go. Time to mourn the man that I always said I couldn't imagine my life without. I cried last night when I wanted to watch Netflix and saw a show we...

S is for Safewords Safewords are a tool used by submissives/bottoms to let their dominant/top know how they're feeling as the scene is happening. You can come up with any word you want in your dynamic but for the sake of simple, easy to remember words, most people use: Red - this needs to stop now!   Yellow - I'm getting close to my limit of this activity, lighten up or switch to something else Green - I'm good to go, please continue. Personally, I've never used green. It just seems like a waste of time when I can say, "you ok?" and he can answer. Or, ya know, I'm paying attention to my partner. I recently read a post by Domina Jen about safewords. I agree with what she says there. Though I've always given submissives and bottoms I've played with the option of safewording (red, yellow) all I think I've ever really gotten was a yellow. I do, what Domina Jen says she does; I listen and watch my partner. This is one of ...

R is for Rules Rules can apply to both kink and polyamorous relationships. It is obvious that this post got started, queued up and published without being finished. I'm not in the headspace to finish it right now but I'm leaving it as a placeholder. I'll come back to it.

Q is for Quad As long as we're on the subject of Polyamory lets talk about dynamics. There are as many dynamics out there as there are people but some of the basics that most everyone accepts are: Primary the primary partner, usually the longest relationship in the poly group Secondary the second partner added to the poly group Tertiary, etc the third and following partners added to the group dynamic  Open Looking for additional partners. Closed no looking for any other partners. Vee 3 people, with one person in the center, having relationships with 2 other people when those people do not have a relationship with each other. Triad 3 people in a relationship with all other members. Quad four people in a Polya group, who may or may not be involved with all the other partners in the quad. Polycule a poly group where there are several partners who have relationships with other partners in the group but not necessarily all member of the ...

P is for Polyamory So, what is polyamory anyway? I mentioned it a lot on this blog but never really explained it.  Polyamory, to me, (because you have to qualify everything these days) is the acceptance that you can be in love with more than one person at a time. It's also the acceptance that though someone may be in love with someone else, that doesn't mean they cannot love you too. Polya is not about sex. It's about forming meaningful relationships with more than one person at a time. If you want to have a series of sexual partners or one night stands in addition to your steady partner, that's called swinging. I've always felt that humans aren't' wired to have one life partner for their entire life. One of our primal needs is to continue the species. Having multiple partners would raise the chance of having more children and having more hands to raise those children and keep them safe in primitive times. I think it's something that's...

O is for Over the Top /rant If you've spent anytime online I'm sure you've met them. Those over the top King/Queen Dommly Dom Magisties or those grovel at your feet in the mud submissives.  Some people use BDSM as a way to escape reality, perhaps they feel they have no power in their own lives so they demand it in their play-acting. Some use polyamory to overcompensate also. "If all these people are willing to 'love' me that means I'm better than you." That's not how this works, that's not how any of this works! /end rant

N is for Not New I read a lot of kink and D/s blogs, guess I should make one of those "blogs I follow" things and I'm semi-active in my local community; I've been noticing something lately. At the last munch I attended, which is a newer group that I'd never been to before, though I did know a few people there. We all went around and introduced ourselves, our kink selves, mostly. These introductions consisted of our scene names, who we were with, and how long we'd been what we are. No one said these were the things that should be included those are just the things people typically share. So in going around the table, I'm hearing names I immediately forget and relationships I'll have to get Wulf to remind me of later (the guy with the pineapple shirt was there solo, but the lady who ordered the huge ass pizza was there with the guy at the end of the table?) But what sticks with me is the amount of experience people have. I kept hearing "We...

M is for Mommy Before Schatzi came along I had no interest in ageplay. I wasn't repulsed by it, I'm a caregiver by nature, but since I raised a daughter, was a nanny and then a home health worker, I thought I'd had my fill of sippy cups and diapers. I'm not sure whats different about him that makes me want to explore that role. But I do. He's so stinkin adorable powdered and in a fresh diaper, wearing a cute onesie, with a pacifier hanging out of the corner of his mouth. I never thought I'd want a partner to call me Mommy, that's just weird, right? but I love it when he does. It makes me want to scoop him up and keep him safe forever.

L is for Love I love love. That's probably why I wanted to have a polyamorous relationship in the first place. I believe that love doesn't divide when you share it with others' it stretches and grows. If there is one thing our society needs right now, it's more love. Though I had relationships before him and was even married, I think Wulf is the first man I was IN love with, really. Before him, I was maybe in love with the thought of being in love but when I met him it was so much different. I can still remember the exact moment I fell in love with him. I can see every detail of the room, I remember what it smelled like, the temperature, everything. That moment is etched in my memory for all time. I wanted to spend every minute of every day with him, which was a problem since he lived 5 hours away, in another state. Long distances relationships are extremely hard but I think they make you focus on a genuine mental, emotional connection rather than just the ph...

K is for Knowing Your Limits Needing to know your limits applies to both kink and multiple relationships.  Needing to know your limits in a kink situation should be pretty self-explanatory. You should go into a negotiation with a good idea of what you are willing to do, what you might do, and what you absolutely will not do. If you don't have a lot of experience with kink or don't have a lot of experience with real life kink if you have only been exploring online so far you need to sit down with a BDSM checklist  and make some decisions. First look for the things you like or are pretty sure you'll like, mark them off as doable! Then look for things that don't give you tingly feelings or that are actually revolting to you, those are your limits. There are two kinds of limits, Hard Limits are something that you absolutely have zero interest in doing, period. Examples of hard limits might be breath play or heavy bondage. Hard limits should be resp...

J is for Jingle What does jingle have to do with anything? I'm in love with reactions and noises. I've recently discovered that that love of noises extends from his vocalizations to ambient noises as well. I love hearing the chain jingle and clank. I love hearing the tag on his collar jingle when he moves suddenly or repetitively. Locks jingle against metal, buckles jingle against locks and chains. . . .

I is for Intentional Family Intentional families are common in both kink and poly circles. An intentional family is a group of people who have decided, intentionally, to act as a family group. An intentional family possibly prepares and eats meals together, they might go to events as a group, have a movie or game night, or just hang out together.  Intentional families, like good traditional families, are available for help and support, to give advice and share life experiences while making new family traditions together. Someone might look for an intentional family if they are in the closet with their sexuality, gender choices, relationship styles, or kinks. Often times they don't feel sustained, supported, or free to be themselves around their biological family so they seek out people who they perceive as more like them.

H is for Honesty Most of my recent ABC's posts have been kink related, this one is about something vital to both kink and poly; honesty. Honesty is to communication what multiplication is to calculus. If you can’t be honest, you can’t communicate. Honesty is the minimum, not the maximum; there is more to communication than just honesty. –Jenna Medaris I feel that honesty is of the utmost importance in any relationship but especially in a kink and/or polyamorous relationship! Both of these relationship types require a lot of trust and communication and honesty is the key to both. Honesty is not only about not actively lying to your partner(s) but also not purposefully keeping things from them. When someone is dishonest in a poly relationship it can create feelings of jealousy and mistrust. If they're sexually active with multiple partners and not using protection dishonesty could bring disease to their other relationships or experience an unwanted p...

G is for Gags An important part of many people's BDSM play is the use of gags. Personally, I don't use them much because half my fun is eliciting noises and I don't want to hamper that. They can be used to keep the bottom quiet, for aesthetic/fantasy reasons, or humiliation. Gags are also used in PetPlay, especially ponyplay to help the pet player get into the proper headspace. Gags in the form of pacifiers are often used in AB/DL play as well. First, we'll talk about keeping the "victim" quiet. Most people don't have access to specially appointed play spaces with no neighbors or soundproofing. So it's simply practical to use gags to muffle some of the noises that may be created during a scene. Another reason people use gags is for the look of them. The bottom may have a fetish for being "forced" into a gag, the top may have a fetish for seeing someone gagged. Gags are commonly used for humiliation also. A bottom who cannot close t...

F is for Fido I'm cheating a little and sneaking pet play under F. I don't want to wait that long to talk about it and I plan to use P for polyamory. So pet play. . .  First and most importantly I need to stress that pet play (puppy play, kitten play, pony play, and other pet play) has nothing to do with actual animals. Well, other than acting like one. No actual animals are involved in anything sexual. There is no bestiality. I'm going to focus on puppy play because that's what I'm most interested in and experienced with but if you want to learn about some other forms of pet play you should check out: cPony for equine play Kitten play.com for kitten play (obviously) I'm not going to go into the history of people emulating animals for spiritual reasons since the beginning of time or the history of puppy play specifically beginning in gay leather culture. I want to focus on what puppy play is to me and why I'm drawn to it. I enjoy pup...

E is for Envy Like my last post, this one will be a comparison of two terms: envy and jealousy. These two words come up a lot when you talk about polyamory, but they can also show up in discussions about kink. They're often used interchangeably but they're actually two very separate emotions. Envy is wanting something someone else has. We feel envious when someone has a nicer car than us, the latest fashion or a better job than we have. When we're envious of something we want whatever that thing is for ourselves. Envy shows up in poly when we see someone who we think has the relationship we want. That person may have a partner while we're single, that person may have a healthy relationship while we're struggling over some hurdle in our own. In kink, it shows up when someone has a skill we really wish we possessed, a fancy new toy or piece of equipment, or the "perfect" BDSM dynamic. Jealousy is the fear of losing something you have, having somet...

D is for Dominance Dominance often gets confused with domineering. The two are actually very different. Of course being dominant means different things to different people. To me, it means being responsible for someone. It means keeping their best interests in mind and making sure they're having fun and getting what they need. Domineering behavior is overbearing, tyrannical, dictatorial. A person who is domineering focuses their energy on getting what they want. They are not concerned if the other parties involved are getting their needs met. They do not put the best interests of others in their thought processes. A lot of new Dominants feel they should be domineering. They've read or watched their porn and at first glance, it looks like domineering is the way to be dominant.  It doesn't help matters that there are a lot of wannabe dominants out there who are overly bossy not just to their submissive but to anyone who identifies as submissive. My brand of dominan...

C is for Chain I am a female dominant. As such, I am very attracted to the idea that my submissive is bigger and stronger (and trained in ways to subdue people) yet still kneels at my feet.  It's the men are generally bigger and stronger thing that makes me love chain. It seems more fitting to capture all that primal maleness with heavy links of metal rather than cute scarves and simple rope.  Chain clanks with every movement, it weighs on the appendage it's attached to. It's impossible for him to forget it's there. Chain is strong. He is strong. It seems fitting.

B is for Biting I love to bite. I love to mark my territory. I love the reaction only a bite seems to draw out of someone. I love the wild cavewomaness of it.  I love the closeness of having someone's flesh between my teeth, my tongue tasting their skin, smelling them, hearing their noises. It's a five senses experience! I bite for comfort too. Gently holding a little bit of flesh between my teeth, not hurting, just holding it is comforting to me somehow. I still get the taste and the smell and the intimacy without them getting the pain. Usually, sometimes I just can't help myself!

I've decided to write a blog post for each letter of the alphabet that relates to my life in kink or poly. I hope I'll be able to think of something for each letter, anyway. Here's the first: A is for Aftercare I'm sure if you've spent any time with any kinky people online, or in person, you've heard of aftercare. Just in case you haven't I'll explain what it is to me here. First of all, aftercare is a very important thing. It's a time set aside, usually just after play, where the participants of the scene can take a breath, and reconnect with reality outside of headspace. It lets everyone calm down and receive reassurance if needed, it allows time for our bodies to reset and gives us time to notice if we've worked up and appetite or a thirst during our play. How people choose to do their aftercare is as varied as our kinks. Some like cuddles and petting, blankets and stuffies. Others prefer a bottle of water and some space to get their ...