E is for Envy

E is for Envy

Like my last post, this one will be a comparison of two terms: envy and jealousy. These two words come up a lot when you talk about polyamory, but they can also show up in discussions about kink. They're often used interchangeably but they're actually two very separate emotions.

Envy is wanting something someone else has. We feel envious when someone has a nicer car than us, the latest fashion or a better job than we have. When we're envious of something we want whatever that thing is for ourselves. Envy shows up in poly when we see someone who we think has the relationship we want. That person may have a partner while we're single, that person may have a healthy relationship while we're struggling over some hurdle in our own. In kink, it shows up when someone has a skill we really wish we possessed, a fancy new toy or piece of equipment, or the "perfect" BDSM dynamic.

Jealousy is the fear of losing something you have, having something taken away from you. Jealousy is common is poly dynamics. It shows up when our partner gets a new partner and we become afraid they'll leave us for that new partner. It shows up in when we fear our partner will compare us to others and decide we don't measure up.

While envy usually manifests as sadness or longing and can often encourage us to improve ourselves to get the thing we want. Jealousy most often presents as anger and feelings of resentment. It can be very damaging if we let it go unchecked. Jealousy is not all necessarily negative if we use it correctly as a tool. It can clue us into a lack of trust in our relationship that we can then work to fix. It may bring forward insecurities that we can address in ourselves and our relationships.

Envy and jealousy are two very common, normal emotions that people experience every day. It's how we let them affect us and what we do with them that matters.