N is for Not New

N is for Not New

I read a lot of kink and D/s blogs, guess I should make one of those "blogs I follow" things and I'm semi-active in my local community; I've been noticing something lately. At the last munch I attended, which is a newer group that I'd never been to before, though I did know a few people there. We all went around and introduced ourselves, our kink selves, mostly. These introductions consisted of our scene names, who we were with, and how long we'd been what we are. No one said these were the things that should be included those are just the things people typically share.

So in going around the table, I'm hearing names I immediately forget and relationships I'll have to get Wulf to remind me of later (the guy with the pineapple shirt was there solo, but the lady who ordered the huge ass pizza was there with the guy at the end of the table?)

But what sticks with me is the amount of experience people have. I kept hearing "We've just discovered kink", "it's been 2 months", "we've been doing this for a year", "next week is our 2 year anniversary" and I feel so odd and old.

I've had these feelings since I was a little kid. I used to do freaky slave scenes with my barbies. My cousins and I played games like Mermaid Princess and her slaves which involved improvised cages, and Doggie Master, which was mostly following commands. There were no sexual aspects then, we were kids, but the giving of orders, the cages, the commands, these were my favorite games. I didn't understand why at the time but they made me feel complete.

Shortly after I discovered masturbation these power and control feelings started entering my fantasies. I went back and forth between queen and servant and enjoyed myself. As I got a bit older I discovered I liked a little pain with my sex, giving or receiving, I don't remember exactly how I stumbled upon that realization. And then I started self-bondage, I had serious trust issues and there is no way I would have let someone else tie me up. My issues are much resolved now but there are only 3 or so people I'd even consider allowing myself to give up that much control with. I also did autoerotic asphyxiation. DO NOT DO THAT! It was super unsafe!

Somewhere along the line, I found a psychology textbook with a chapter called The Pleasure of Pain. I remember that title very clearly because it was the first time I realized that I wasn't alone. Fast forward to the time that I got my first computer and got online for the first times. I was your typical bored housewife with a new baby and not enough adult conversation in my life. I searched for online chat rooms but they were filled with idiotic idiots lol. So one fateful day I searched for "adult chat room" hoping to find more mature conversations. A site called Naughty Chat (it doesn't exist anymore, do any chat rooms?) popped up in the results and being the freak I was that's what I clicked.

I loved that place and spent entirely too much time there. There were several rooms with different themes that I wandering through but there was one I only went too when I was feeling especially lonely, The Dungeon. It makes me laugh now that we put so much into it being a "dungeon" back then. oooh, scary. stone floors and walls, a big fireplace, chains on the walls, you get the idea.

It was there that I truly discovered my tribe, There were people like me, people who got off on the kind of things I did. I was still a complete idiot but I was new and frenzied. It's like a whole new world opened up to me and I never looked back.

That was 1999 people.

So, when people talk about experience, I feel odd saying I've been doing this in some way for as long as I can remember. So I say 20 years. Which is still a long ass time.